Detective Olivia Benson

How We Spent The 4th...

Hoping you and your family had a safe and happy holiday-- and that you took a moment to remember freedom isn't free...

A Long Pause...

After being placed on administrative leave, we're trying to re-group, and keep our family together. Many decisions have to be made. What the future holds, we're still unsure. Right now, it only hurts when I breathe.

I Don't Sleep To Dream...

I woke up in a cold sweat. I could still hear those words piercing my ears. My heart. "I spent the night with Kathy." While I was away, so many things happened. I made such a bad choice. Going undercover with the FBI was the biggest mistake of my life. I accomplished absolutely nothing. Nothing. We didn't even have the right perp. We didn't have a perp, period. I gave up months of my life, endangered the life of my unborn child, and left behind the man I love. I left him with unanswered questions, and basically forced him into the arms of two women.

Not one.

But.

Two.

I have no one to blame but myself for the nightmares.

It's 3:00am. I'm shaking. He's sleeping soundly. I can't wake him. I don't want him to see the fear. I don't like feeling this vulnerable. Push it down, Olivia.

A Matter Of Trust...

There is no sleep. There hasn't been any sleep in days. Tension. A chainsaw couldn't cut through it. I feel like I'm losing it. Elliot. My brother. My job. My child. How do they all fit together? How do I redeem what I've lost? I absolutely lost control on a suspect. I lashed out at Captain Cragen, and took a cheap shot at Elliot, instead of being up front with them about what I was hiding. Simon.

I helped my brother. I chose him, when I knew I was in the wrong, although, it turned out I was in the right. How confusing is this? It's almost beyond my comprehension how a human being could damn near ruin someone else's life, just to avenge the abuse of a family member. I would never, ever, frame an innocent person-- for Simon, Elliot, Eli-- anyone. I may have screwed up investigations, and done what I've needed to do in order to sleep at night-- but I've NEVER framed an innocent individual.

The woman nearly killed me, in order to turn me against my brother. I put myself in a position where I could've been killed, not once, but twice, and didn't bother to mention any of this to Elliot. He trusted me. He trusted me to do the right thing. He trusted me to make the right decision. In the end, everything turned out-- well, it turned out for the best.

I still have unanswered questions about my father, about Simon, about how Elliot feels about the entire situation. I feel terrible. I know the week I've had off has been for the best. I need to refocus myself. I need to get my priorities in order, before I lose everything I have.

A Lot On My Mind...

This time of year, the cold/allergy bug always hits me, and that leaves me in a fog in all aspects of my life. The past couple of weeks, work has been a blur, and luckily very slow. I've not been away from my desk for an hour this week, and it's finally starting to get to me. No, I'm not still being "punished", although, with the lack of field-work, you'd think I was. I shouldn't complain, though. Lack of field-work means that people are sleeping safely, and no violent sex crimes are being commit-- for now.

Kathy and Elliot were into it again, tonight. Kathy's upset over the fact that Elliot and Kathleen are *actually* getting along, for now. We never know how long it's going to last, so while Kathleen is actually speaking to Elliot we're just trying to enjoy it. One day at a time, that's what I keep telling Elliot.

It felt good to just be able to spend "us" time in bed tonight. Eli was sleeping soundly, which he usually does after a bottle *and* a snack, which gave us quality time alone. I treasure those moments, even when things are stressful before hand.

Since I've Been Sick...

I've had some time on my hands. Ok, I'm not used to a lot of downtime. So, while Eli napped, I had to do something to occupy my time while Elliot hit the streets without me. This is the result: